Saturday, January 3, 2009

It's so dark.

I awake and it's dark and I roll over.  
I get up and turn on lights and all day long I cannot turn enough lights on.
Later, before the table has even been set, or toys put away,
it's dark.

Come Lord Jesus.

Busy.  Life.  There's never enough time and it's always too busy
To think.  I just need some time to think.  
Five minutes.  
Oh what I would do for five minutes of silence. 
I get up earlier and so does another.
I stay up late and somebody can't sleep.
I barter for a half-hour but it's shared with Barney blaring and I just can't think.  
I've set off the smoke alarms three ok four times this week cooking dinner.
I can't seem to finish a chapter an email a sentence a cup of coffee
or a prayer.
 
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me

Christmas is put away too early because I can't bear to walk around it any longer.
Not just the tree, Christmas . . . 
The hopes and fears of all the years . . .
so Christmas is gone and we're still here and it's dark and now what?

Come Lord Jesus

People I love
are hurting  
angry
searching
out of work
marriages crumbling
depressed
dying
 
Come Lord!

We are still sore and avoid each other

Come, here, Lord

Drifting to sleep I'm thinking about 
how sure I was once
for I know the plans I have for you . . .
and I wonder
what went wrong?

Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me

looking back
near sleep it's so clear now
my own 
hypocrisy
self-righteousness
what a joke I was
it is
will I ever understand what He wants from me?

O God O God O God O God

Dark morning 
a single light and
I reach for the Words of life
my soul so thirsty
But she's awake again already
five a.m.
I groan and mutter and shuffle to get her before she wakes her sister
FIVE minutes is that so much to ask? 
warm milk and I prop her beside me

Come, Lord

Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

She's restless and wanders
fussing, I pick her up
one armed I try and fail to work
She squirms
I set her down
but she wants up
and all morning long we do this
I sigh
Please God please Annie I need five minutes
and I wonder who I'm praying to
one armed again I try 

Can a woman forget her sucking child

No Lord, oh no I cannot

yea, she may forget
but I will not
forget
you

Ah

Yes 

and I look down at my wild one
finally peaceful
asleep on my chest

This,
right here,
is all you ask of me?

Yes this . . .

only rest 

against me

And it occurs to me
in all of Scripture
God does his work one-armed
only when he's holding us
does he have use for two

11 comments:

Ruth said...

This is beautiful, Jess.

joe said...

Well done, sister.

kelli said...

i love reading your blog! i miss this wisdom in my life!!

Betty said...

Glad your back and continuing to share your beautiful words and wisdom.

Becky said...

beautiful...i feel all the emotion! and i am with you in so many ways. praying for you guys. love you, becky

Heather of the EO said...

I'm all weepy. That was so breath-taking, profound. Beautiful. Thank you.

Elizabeth said...

Well said. The diversity in each of us never ceases to amaze me. I love that what God teaches you encourages me. And I'm going to savor the comparison God doing His work one-armed. Thank you for sharing.

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

Beautifully done!

charrette said...

I read this before, when you first posted it, but must have been distracted and forgot to leave a comment. This stream-of-consciousness paints such a real picture of what goes on in our heads and our hearts on a typical day...tasks and even thoughts unfinished...a yearning to feel lifted, enlightened, loved...while in the trenches of a very real war.

I especially love the allusion to an embrace at the end. He, and both his arms, are so very there for us.

charrette said...

This also reminds me of a hauntingly beautiful peace of music: E'en so Lord Jesus, Quickly Come.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh my. I was sent here tonight and so thankful for that direction from a friend. This was wonderful.

Thank you.

Steph