Saturday, February 14, 2009

Dare to love

I don't trust people.

Opening an email from a friend and my mind suddenly flooded with questions and doubts and what-did-she-mean-by-that . . . and I'm stopped mid-thought: I don't trust people.

It makes sense now.

Why the creative block.
Why the dissatisfaction.
Why the anxiety.
Why the urge to prove myself.
Why so negative.
Why so hard to forgive.
Why such distracted prayer.
Why smiling lately feels so strange on my face.

I didn't use to be this way.
I trusted everyone.

And I remembered a time when my prayer was to see people the way that God saw them,
and it was magical.
People unveiled are gorgeous.
For as long as I prayed this, I was given a glimpse of their potential.
The great battle each person was fighting,
and their heroic qualities.
The depths of compassion God has for our struggling.
The way He delights in our trying, and still keeps believing in us
over and over again.
For a time, I saw people as powerful,
childlike,
unique and beautiful.
Infinitely significant
and eternal.
Their God-likeness.

But prayer like this is disappointing and painful,
So I stopped.

And soon I saw people as people again.
There is none righteous. No, not one.
I see their evil motives and raw determination.
Their pride and lust and seeping wounds.
Their selfishness.
Their me-likeness.

This hurts in a duller way
but more manageable
and expected.

And I'm left wondering how to reconcile the two
and realizing you do not.
He didn't.
Knowing what was in man's heart
He so loved the world anyway.

The Great Lover
who teaches us to love
with impossible love
broken
poured-out love
wounded
and never really healed love.
Not yet.
The Great Commandment
(the great secret to joy)
hurt but not hard love
cheated and yet believing love
disappointed but hoping love
rejected but enduring love
weeping, but always rejoicing love.

To see with Christ's eyes
perfectly, but blindly.
And take the risk (the doomed from the start risk)
of loving wildly
Even as we are wildly loved.



"We must dare to love in a world that does not know how to love."
-Madeleine L'Engle

4 comments:

Becky said...

this is just.so.right. dont know what else to say! could the key be to let ourselves be loved by Jesus? ttys. luv ya, girl!

charrette said...

Ah, this is so beautifully expressed. I have definitely had this experience: "And I remembered a time when my prayer was to see people the way that God saw them,
and it was magical.
People unveiled are gorgeous.
For as long as I prayed this, I was given a glimpse of their potential."
You remind me I need to do more of that. And accept the accompanying pain along with the beauty. Lovely, lovely post.

charrette said...

p.s. I am probably TOO trusting. I tend to trust everyone until they prove themselves otherwise.

Jessica said...

I'm with you Charrette, most of my life I have trusted everyone without question. That's why I was so surprised to realize the depth of distrust growing in me. I think that being overly trusting is a better choice than not trusting.