Monday, March 30, 2009

fun- part 1

So I've been thinking about fun . . . my lack of it, or failure to make it a priority . . . I suppose I didn't notice when I stopped having fun because I think of my life as fun . . . in a quieter, subtler way than before . . . Before children, before marriage and houses and living in one place longer than a year . . . life slows down, routines set in, your world becomes fuller, but smaller.  These aren't bad things like I once thought.  I remember driving through old neighborhoods marveling that people could live in one house for years, days and days and days piling up of the same scenery, the same things to talk about year after year, going to bed every night and waking up to a new day much like the one before it.

I wonder if I hadn't gotten married if I'd have ever learned to be content for long.  I suppose I believed, albeit illogically, that marriage wouldn't slow me down, it'd just give me a travel companion.  That was before I'd had a twelve month job (I taught school or was a waitress), or a mortgage, or any commitments beyond a few months.  It's no wonder that I had more culture shock in my first few months of marriage than I'd ever had in any country I had visited.  Fun shifted to weekends away, and then to day trips, and then we had a baby, and we'd try to run out for dinner and rush back before a feeding.  Now we have two kids, and fun for me is the Nightly News and a good night's sleep.

It sounds like I'm complaining but I'm not . . . kids have changed me.  I'm more content now, happy to be a stay-at-home mom, in our little town (the one I couldn't wait to leave), satisfied with the predictability of life for the most part . . . . but I realized recently that I'm too content.  There are things that shouldn't be surrendered to your children.  Who you were before kids, the things that made you come alive, the things you believed in . . . Life is meant to be lived, I once believed, and set my life to living . . . I don't believe it any less now.  I just don't work as hard at it.  

(part 2 is coming . . . after the Nightly News and a good night's sleep).


becomingkate said...

When I was young, I moved from town to town, working as a waitress in any place that offered staff housing. Then I became a bartender, and finally settles into retail, then finance.
I'm glad that I'm more settled. Things finally make sense!

Betty said...

I love these kinds of posts. They are my favorite to write about and read. You are so right...I wish I could have realized that I still needed me when my kids were small. It may have added some sanity to that too-quick passing of time. I have figured that out now and I love that I can have my husband, kids and home and still be the me who needs to create and achieve!! Can't wait for part 2!

Heather of the EO said...

I hear you. I don't work very hard at it anymore. Partly because I just have no energy to work at it, and partly because I've lost the desire in teh midst of all the demands in my mind.

so fix that for me in part 2 mkay? :)

Camilla Blue said...

Fun doesn't seem as important when you're a mom. But having fun, with or without the kids, makes me a better mom. Fun requires more effort these days, but it's well worth it.

charrette said...

I'm so happy you found a place to worship that feels good and right, and like home.

I also love this part of your opening quote:
the impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you.

I've had people ask if I'm reluctant to share my painting techniques...and those lines give credence to my eagerness to share.

You are lovely. I've missed you.
(Actually I've read every post. Just tried to remain a little "under the radar" lately.)