Tuesday, April 28, 2009

May Flowers

Busy busy . . . this post is scattered as is my brain . . .doing many things but nothing blog-worthy.  Living so much on the surface of life lately . . . Sunday nights spent working-out long and ambitious lists that I check check check off with relish throughout the week, falling into bed tired but anxious to wake up again and take-on the Almighty List once more.  

I know this isn't a healthy way to live long-term.  My brain is scattered (the other night I gave the baby her bath, put her pajamas on her and put her to bed with NO diaper!!  She woke up crying because she and her bed was soaked!  Seriously.  Am I really fit to be parenting!?)  I haven't been doing much fun stuff with the girls.  I am barely reading anything, which leaves me feeling unchallenged and quickly affects my ability to write complete sentences.  I am getting a lot done, but leaving little room for the essentials- prayer. quality time with my family. . . . blogging.  

It is happy busy, but I am paying attention to the tension, the fact that I cannot live thin and not deep . . . am I choosing the right things?  Am I giving enough to the things that are most important?  Am I forsaking long-term dreams for temporary ones?  There is just too much I want to do, and I've never been good at making choices.  I feel like I must decide, am I gearing up for a life of homeschooling and homemaking?  Or is now the time to begin preparing for a career after the kids are in school?  The truth is, I want them both.  I want too many things.  

I love all of the things I am doing. I feel really healthy. The girls are at a (momentarily) easy phase, they're sleeping great, I can take them anywhere and trust that they'll do fine, they're both generally pleasant most of the time. The house is running smoothly, everyone is happy, I am content.
 
So, for now, I am living in that springtime energy of branching out, planting seeds, making plans, dreaming dreams.  Rejoicing in sunshine and hope.  Everything seems more alive, more possible.  The wind is scattering blossoms everywhere.  The earth is scattered too.  Just for right now, maybe too much is okay.

4 comments:

Heather of the EO said...

Me too. It kind of feels like treading water. I need to stop and float so I have a moment to think about which direction I want to go. I've never been good at decisions either. Then I always question if I'm even in the right lake...

charrette said...

I actually love the ebb and flow...of too much and too little, stress and repose...always seeking some unattainable perfect balance. I like your conclusion -- if things are going smoothly and everyone's happy, maybe too much is okay for awhile. But I have learned over a lot of long, hard years that I also have to take care of myself (whatever that means).

I wrote a post last night inspired by you. Okay, so I wrote about you. Now I'm just trying to decide which blog to post it on. I'll let you know when it goes up...

Becky said...

jess....feel the same with you...too many hopes/dreams...gonna have to pick the one from God...but which is it? what about the things I still WANT-bad?? grrr. love ya, becky =)

Kazzy said...

I enjoy your writing/thinking process. I do think it is a difficult thing for us as moms to allow our own cravings. The questions you ask here are real, legitimate ones. "What about me" is more than a fair question, and so important to staying mentally and emotionally healthy. As I face going back to school in the Fall I ask a lot of these things regularly. Thanks for your post. Charrette was telling me this past weekend how much she enjoys your blog, and I am glad I stopped by.