Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Just to clarify . . .

Today is a day of clarity, the headaches are reduced, the nausea isn't so fierce, I can think straight for once and there is something on my mind that I feel like I should explain.  


I LOVE them!  I am intoxicated by them!  I could hold their sweet bodies and just breathe them for days and days.  I cannot wait to nurse a baby again.  With each of my children, I was so completely rejuvenated by their entrance into my life, that those first few months with them contained overwhelming energy and JOY and ridiculous love for them and for the whole world.  (For anyone who experienced Post-partum Depression, I do not say this in any way to condemn you.  I totally believe that it is so real, and I am grateful that for whatever reason, post-birth is the one time my hormones worked in my favor.  I pray that it will be the same this time.)  I love babies as they grow up.  I love being a mom.  If pregnancy weren't such a nightmare, I would have ten babies.  Maybe I still will.

But sometimes I forget, in my ranting and complaining about hyperemesis, that not everyone really gets what that is, and I could come across as sounding completely ungrateful and whiny and, as one commenter recently put it . . . pathetic.  

If I have any spiritual gifts, the only one I am sure of is the gift of mercy.  Mercy is usually my first reaction to everything.  I generally can enter in quite quickly to someone's pain and find a reason to feel mercy for them.  I only say this, to contrast with my reaction to the first person I ever knew who had hyperemesis; all I could think was, Get Over It.  A lot of women have morning sickness.

Unless you have experienced it, it is impossible to understand what women with hyperemesis go through.  I am fortunate to have a handful of friends who've been through it, and honestly, they are the ones I should be voicing my complaints to.  Not my blog.  Not facebook.  I can't expect other people to understand, because it is a HUGE blessing to have a baby.  The best reason ever to be sick.  My heart breaks for friends who have been unable to conceive.  I pray for them, I know they would trade places with me in a second.  I feel horrible for friends experiencing potentially life-threatening diseases.  I know that my misery cannot last more than nine months, max, and will in the end produce the great joy of a child.  They have no idea when theirs will end.  I am very sorry if my complaining has not reflected my true gratitude to the Good God who has given me a life so richly blessed.  

God is gracious to speak in our darkness.  A commenter gave me this link to a blog of a fellow HG-er, and it so perfectly spoke to the exact place of spiritual desolation that I have experienced in the sickest weeks of all of my pregnancies:
Pray when you are healthy, so that when you are sick you can just be sick. If you are never healthy again, then rest in knowing that prayer--at least as you have known it--is not necessary. Only emptiness and a glance is necessary.
Indeed, I prayed those very words-- God I seem incapable of prayer, I only can look to you, I only can hold this up to you . . . .  Our God hears the cries of brokenness and emptiness.  He invites our questions and complaints.  He is there.  He hears.  He answers even our weakest prayers.  

I am also not going to pretend that things are wonderful when they aren't.  Even if my life were always perfect, problems remain . . . suffering and injustice, prayers that aren't answered the way we think they should, Christians who are cruel and judgmental; ignoring these things is not reality, and doesn't do anybody any good.

sidenote:  this anonymous commenter seems to have a lot to say to me.  I know that I am not perfect.  If I have hurt you, or offended you somehow in the past I wish that you would email me so that we can try to work it out.  Until then, I will monitor the comments on this blog.


Lanie B said...

I'm sorry that you had to deal with this now..for anyone who truely KNOWS you, could NEVER say your name and pathetic in the same sentence...and btw anyone who would make such comments...without leaving a name....has some other issues!!!!

Forest said...

I'm glad you're having a "semi decent" day.
I never once thought you've come across as ungrateful or whiney. You just plain ole feel like crap! It's one thing to be sick for a day or two but it's another to feel like that for the entire pregnancy :( I've never known anyone to have what you have and I didn't even realize you had this with your other 2.

Obviously the gift at the end far outweighs the pain b/c here you are on #3 :)

Sorry about your anonymous poster, funny though that they hide behind their anonymit ...

Becca said...

I missed the yucky comment and I'm ok with that. I am seeking you out today, can't seem to find your number, ooooh, I didn't check my caller id for it! You have been so very positive throughout this difficult time, I admire you greatly for that! I love babies too and have been eating up Juni's chubby rolls for year now!

I'm sorry to have not checked in with you for a while. I had family visit from TN and then friends from UT. My mom comes next week for six weeks! She doesn't count as company, so if you want to get together or if I can take the girls for a bit, let me know, Please! I'm thinking about you!!!

charrette said...

I love babies too -- LOVE them! And I love what you expressed here. All of it.

I just want to say that it hurts my heart that someone -- anyone -- said anything unkind to you. I love you and your blog and the thoughts that run between them SO MUCH!

I hope others can extend to you the same mercy you grant to those around you in abundance!


Anonymous said...

Grr...my blood boils when I think of things people have said to you in the past...and then this. Seriously, I'm at a loss for words...how I'd like to have a 'nice long chat' with so many 'anonymous' people...who are only comfortable with their opinion when no one knows who they are. Frustrates me soooo much.

You are so strong...take it from someone who 'kinda' understands :) We know you love people, children, God....it's obvious by you.

Soon we will sew :)


charrette said...

I love babies, too, LOVE them!
(That is precisely WHY we are willing to go through what we go through, knowing full well what life will be like for the next several months, in order to get them here.)

It hurts my heart to think that someone -- anyone -- has been saying things that are hurtful to you. Your blog is one of exactly four that I keep on my google home page so I never miss a single post.

Monitor away! (Just never stop posting.)

deb said...

I didn't comment before , partly because you shouldn't add the thrill the person is seeking, and partly because I don't really "know" you.
But it keeps bothering me.
I hope you have dismissed it completely, I have seen it elsewhere and it's just a ploy to solicit response .
Please keep blogging about your life in the authentic and grace full way that you do.
I hope you are feeling great with child and great with yourself.