Thursday, June 24, 2010

the end of a summer day

It's the end of a summer day.  The day after the longest day of the year, already beginning that slow descent and I can't help but be a little sad about it.  Summer!- just arrived yesterday and today it is already beginning to end . . . and this anxiety begins to rise in me, like it always does, this ever-present feeling that there isn’t enough time . . . the rush of days, this slippery beauty, it’s all passing so quickly and there is so much to do and there just isn’t time.

I have this ache in my back and I am irrational and imagine that it’s cancer, wrapped around my spine and i’ve only a few months to live . . . God I hope not . . . God I love living . . .

there is so much living to be done

and there was a small earthquake just a few minutes ago, so i hear . . . and what if this is the end . . . or what if i have a hundred years . . . how will i spend this afternoon?  This one hour of quiet while everyone is sleeping?  The answer leaves me equally anxious because either way there just isn’t enough time . . . I hope that the answer would be the same, that either way I'd spend this moment and the rest of today doing the same thing that i am now doing.

Lord there are many things I would like to do, need to do, wish i could do.  help me to choose the best things . . . this is my constant prayer.

I wish I could read more and sew something ruffled and make my own yogurt and be a farmer .. . I want to paint something orange and bake something chocolate and write a poem about the way she rolls her eyes . . . and there are so many books left to read and places left to go and fascinating people I still need to get to know and old familiar fascinating friends I need more time to soak in . . .

Life is too short for a lot of things. . . . life is too short to go to the mall.  It’s too short to dress the baby up with all those snaps when I'll only have to change her again (all summer she is wearing only a t-shirt and her cloth diaper, and she is beautiful) . . . life is too short to keep my house perfectly clean, (though I am working on finding the balance on this one; my temper blows and my back is turned to my children all too frequently as i clean one mess and then another) . . . life is too short for grudges, too short for worry, too short to wonder what she might be thinking, too short for television, too short to spend not with my children or wishing i weren’t . . . life is too short to try to please people, too short to eat too much or bad things or to be unhealthy, and too short to worry too much about it.  

Life is too short for many things, but too precious too, for a lot of things not to do them. . .

It’s too precious not to plant a garden, so we can watch the miracles explode from the dirt; too precious not to put-up a clothesline so we can wear the sunshine; too precious not to paint our toenails pink like little flags from the Country of Happy.  It’s too precious not to stop instantly and laugh, not to kiss the cheeks, not to check-out stacks of books from the library that I’ll never have time to finish.  

Life is hard, but it's amazing too, and I love it.  Really, I do.  Even when everybody is whining and the house is a mess and at any given moment at least two kids are crying for me . . . even when I’m crabby and in a huff and when i just want to be left alone . . . even then at the end of the day (which never comes soon enough) I sit back exhausted and wonder why I still wish I could have a hundred babies; why I wish I didn’t need to sleep so I could just keep living and doing and be wide awake to all this beauty, all these possibilities, all this life.

I love life, and I love knowing that it’s only a mirror, only a taste of the glory in Heaven . . . God every last bite of this life, these good things, are from you and for you and because of your Son who gives us all things so lavishly to enjoy . . . God it’s all praise to you . . . God it will take me this whole life and eternity to marvel at it.


Ashley said...

One of my very favorite posts ever. You put so eloquently into words things I feel all the time! Thanks!

alicat said...

again you post something that i've been thinking so much about lately. thanks jess. never stop writing.

Ruth said...