I am sitting here in the early morning quiet listening to the baby coo. She loves to talk! She will coo and squeal and absolutely crack herself up with these wonderful sounds she can make, and the whole family stops to listen and we throw our heads back and say oh my! tell us more! and she squeals louder and there is too much delight for one home to hold. And I smile and wonder what kind of gift God will give her to speak and pray that her words will be rich and wise and life-giving.
And I am remembering this very time last year . . . last year when I noticed my body changing and thought, No it can't be . . . but yes my body knew very well what my mind was slow in believing, and there was one positive test and another and another and still I said it can't be. And I am so ashamed to write this but there was one dark night when I did not sleep, and one early morning when I woke my mom up to cry and say what am I going to do . . . ?
(and I could write here about our place in life, the season we had just gone through, the precarious equilibrium we were just managing to obtain, .. . my full and happy schedule that I felt would have to die and I just wasn't ready, wasn't emotionally physically financially anyway ready to die for the next months and months and for that one dark night all I could see was the brief dying and not- I am so ashamed to say- the glorious growing Living).
And God gives us mothers for moments like these because she said it's wonderful! you'll be okay, you'll make it, we'll make it . .. and her courage gave me courage so that somehow I could brace myself, and even though I could hear that train coming, I knew it was coming, and yes I was scared more scared than ever it was a crazy-happy to be alive scared, and I knew deep down that I wasn't really tied to the tracks but rather about to get onto some kind of terrifying long and wild ride to someplace absolutely wonderful.
And so I bought heaps of Vitamin B Unisom Protein powder Sea Bands Lemonade Celery Potato Chips Raspberry leaf tea anything I could think of . . . but that train took me to some dark places anyway , and I can't really explain what being so sick does to your brain, how there were weeks so many weeks of feeling not only my own suffering but suffering- the weight of it, the heavy, dark oozing awful suffering in the world and I could do nothing but lie in bed and why God? . . . Even worse than the physical sick, the nausea, the all-consuming sick was the way the sick attacked my spirit . . . and I would drag myself out of bed to watch the evening news and crawl back asking All of this hurting everywhere and why God where are you?And lie awake weeping for Jacie Dugard, for her mother, for hurting, weeping, unanswered prayers everywhere.
. . . and I could go on but look, now we made it! And to be honest I hardly remember the sick, haven't even thought of it until this morning, and now I sit here holding this gorgeous little person, and she is all delight!, and I think how my life was given back times a hundred! A hundred hundred! How worth it it was, so incredibly unspeakably worth it, how slight was that sick compared to this little amazing life in my arms.
And this morning I read:
I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18