Saturday, August 28, 2010

Guilt, Insecurity, Surrender (cheesecake)



I am a summertime girl, but the change of seasons is always invigorating, and the new crispness in the air is reminding me to slow down, reflect, take a Soul Check-Up.  Oh, and I turned 33 on Wednesday!  33 . . . like halfway between 13 and 53 . . . just right.  I feel like life keeps getting better, richer, more joyful, the more I learn and the older I grow.

A few things I am learning . . .

I am learning to pay no attention to the voice of ambiguity.  
The nagging guilt, that hovering angst . . . 
how much of my life do I live with this voice telling me I should be doing more
. . . but more is something elusive, hard to pinpoint . . . 
just GUILT telling me I am not enough . . . 
it's a vague, hazy and condemning voice.  
I am learning to identify guilt as the voice of the Enemy- 
keeping me condemned, busy, and useless.  
The worst decisions I make are the ones motivated by guilt.  
The voice of the Spirit is different . . . 
it rides on hope, it offers life, . . . 
it is very specific.  
Make this phonecall, do it now.  
Do this.  Speak this.  
Or, 
Stop.  Look.  Pray.  Rest.  
Don't speak at all.

Especially difficult to discern is how to best spend my time . . .  thanks Tim for the quote:

"in order to be generous with your art, gifts, product, performance, service and endeavors...you have to be selfish with your time"


Something I am remembering is not to compare myself to anyone. Ever.  I learned this a long time ago, but sometimes I need to relearn it . . . A few days lately have found me insecure, feeling like I'm thirteen again.  I realized that feeling this way was directly related to comparing myself with others, in ways that I know for sure are not my strengths or my priorities . . .
When we know what our priorities are, we FREE ourselves from comparison, because no one else has the same strengths, goals or circumstances that we do. We can only compete with ourselves. Challenging ourselves to be better each day. . .  Motherhood and Identity: Comparison and the List You Need to Tape to Your Forehead

 "I find my surrender was neither high enough nor deep enough". . . this spoke so precisely to where I am right now, many mothers may find themselves here too.

Saturday calls for something fun and since Jim has to work today I am thinking about doing one of these fun ideas with the girls:  painted skirts or soft pretzels or hmmmm maybe cheesecake bars . . . yes I believe today is definitely calling for cheesecake.

Happy Saturday!

5 comments:

Kristy said...

Thank you for this post. I love that you describe the voice of guilt as hazy and and the voice of the Spirit as specific. I've been practicing listening more for that still-small voice and ignoring the static and you put the struggle in writing so well! -Kristy @ That Good Part

~beautyandjoy~ said...

Oh - I love this post with all my heart! Yes!

And I love those quotes!

Thank you for your encouraging and kind comments - they mean a great deal!

Fijufic said...

the change from Summer to fall is dangerous here. Fall ushers in hurricane season and we worry until the season ends...

Elizabeth said...

Wow! Such truth in knowing your priorities, freeing yourself from comparison, and competing only with yourself... even for those of us who aren't mothers yet. I'm finding that God is teaching me those same lessons these days.

So curious to see how your painted skirts turned out. :)

ShortyRobs said...

Good word, Jess! This totally sums up my current life season. You really have a way with words- so eloquent and concise :)