You are SIX months old today!
Oh how I have loved these six months with you!
Sometimes I wake up with you tucked under my arm and I think what a perfect composition we are. I love the space you fill next to me, the way you fit so right on my hip and how comfortable we both are when you're there, how strange it feels when you aren't.
I love holding you when you are sleepy and cuddly, and I lay you down saying to God "Thank-you Thank-you Thank-you." Thank-you for this sweet surprise, this wild and precious life. What a gift you are!
So Josie, this is the story of the day you were born.
On the day you were born I woke up and knew, today would be the day.
The day was a Thursday, and I have always loved Thursdays. I love them for the way that they anticipate the weekend, so that we already feel lighter, already beginning to shrug off the routine and prepare for the fun ahead, just like the day that you were born.
On the day you were born the sun was shining and we wore jackets and the whole world exhaled, as though spring had arrived even though it was really only a Thursday in March, still a few weeks and one last snowstorm away from true Spring. But on this day we all lived Springtime, and you Josie, will always be my first day of Spring.
Your dad was going out of town on the weekend and I hoped and hoped that you would arrive on that day and you agreed. I wasn't experiencing hard contractions yet, but I called the doctor anyway because I really just knew and I went and she said "It's Time" (the most beautiful two words any pregnant woman has ever heard).
I went out to the car where your Nana and your sisters were waiting, and I told them It's Baby Time!, and your sisters couldn't yet imagine what that would mean, how they were about to get their favorite gift ever.
The really fun part of this story is that my good friend Summer was also expecting a baby, and just an hour after we arrived at the hospital to have you, she arrived in the room next door to deliver your friend Colton!
I don't remember a lot about the labor, only that I was so happy and excited to be there, and how quickly I was ready to push . . . you came too fast and the doctor wasn't there yet, and I said I'MGONNAPUSH! and the nurse said, Don't. and I said IHAVETOPUSH! and the nurse said Don't. and I said IWILLDELIVERTHISBABYMYSELF! and that may have been the longest fifteen minutes of my life and the Docter arrived and she said PUSH and there you were- a GIRL! (and I admit, I was so happy that you were a girl!) and you were perfect- exactly eight pounds of wonderful.
The part about childbirth that I remember the most is the how open I feel, in that most difficult place, to receive love; and after you were born there is this LOVE, just streaming, everywhere, there is LOVE; a moment of pulsing, enormous LOVE, and in that moment it is all so clear, that there is nothing but LOVE, nothing matters but LOVE, that the only thing to do in life is to give everything to LOVING.
And on the days when I am absolutely spent in mothering . .. when all of my days and all of my nights are spent giving to someone and I think I have nothing left . . . I think about that Love, how wide and long and high and deep it is, how there is nothing I would rather be than worn-out from loving.
Josie you will always be proof to me of God's perfect surprises and His goodness, and especially of how He loves and loves and loves us. I hope I can teach you to trust that love too.