Saturday, November 6, 2010

I'm usually late to the party

The pics are from a 3a.m. photobooth session with Josie.  She scheduled a playdate for this time every night this week.  (I look happy, but I assure you I. am. not.)  The poor girl has been teething something fierce.  Oh why must teething be so rough on these little ones?  I heard somewhere that teething would feel unbearable for adults, I try to keep that in mind at 3 in the morning.

How can it be the sixth of November already?  How is there snow on the ground?

These days are a blur.  I fight like mad to get through them, and then fight like mad to hold on to them, to enjoy them, to savour these long, exhausting, precious days . . .

. . . the days that do not end . . .

they only cycle,
over and over and over . . .

I know this will sound like I am complaining, but I'm not (okay maybe just a little) or have a martyr-complex (I suppose I do), or that I am exaggerating (I'm not) . . .

My kids do not sleep.
(go ahead, tell me it's because I don't let them cry it out).
3 kids who don't sleep= waking up, oh, MANY times a night.

Add to that a teething infant,
two big kids who don't nap, can't seem to fall asleep until I do . . .
and then wake up all night long
until morning,
always too early,
and then it all

There is no pause in my life right now.
No margins.
No moment when I am not being touched, pulled, needed.

Oh, and Jim is commuting to work in Cleveland . . . 
and did I mention we're trying to sell our house?

I am telling myself this more than anything . . . 
because somedays . . . a lot of days . . . I wonder why I don't have more to show for my life?

How do other moms do it all?
the kids, the house, the healthy meals . . .
and still find time for their own dreams?  Their own career?
How is another year almost past and I am still . . .
just keeping up?
hoping for a few hours of sleep?
telling myself that next year I. will. do. it.

I'll go back to school
I'll serve more.
I'll write the novel.
I'll paint again.
I'll . . .

I really hoped to do NaNoWriMo this year.
I considered trying . . .
during one of those middle of the night playdates with the girl,
when I am irrational
and too tired to sleep
and anything seems possible.

And then I thought, well, I'll at least do NaBloPoMo.
It is Nov.6,
this is my first blog post.

I tell myself that a real writer . . . artist . . . whatever . . . would be able to push through, stay up all night, find a way to make it work . ..

I'm already up all night.

And you know what I have decided to do about it?
Let it go.
The ambitions, the goals, the guilt . .. 

Maybe there will be another day, another season.
I don't want these days to be any more hurried than they already are . . .
I want to be fully present,
and I have never been good at living in two places at once . . .

So here's to NaBloPoMo . . .
beginning on day 6 . . .
I'll still try to post every day this month,
just for fun,
and when I don't,
I don't.

*Related, I loved this post . . . My Life is Not My Own)

**Oh, and I do have some fun things to blog about this month, including at least one really great giveaway!

Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.

Henry David Thoreau

(in other news, look who finally took the time to learn how to make a blog header!)


MommyJ said...

I love the header.

And, I KNOW this feeling. The yearning for more, and yet knowing that this, the here and now, for right now is enough. But then, is it? Of course it is. But it's hard to always remember that. I'm constantly reminding myself, to all things there is a time and a season.The last thing I want to do is look back at this one and realize I lived the entire thing wishing I was doing something else. My kids deserve better than that.

My baby isn't sleeping all that much either. And I'm not letting her cry it out. So she wakes up and then I wake up then we have a little party... maybe I should call you at 3 AM and we could all, the four of us, hang out together.

charrette said...

My first thought: How does she manage to look so great at 3am? My second thought: How does she manage to look so happy and bright-eyed at 3am. Thank you for setting the record straight so I don't have to wonder about these impossible phenomena!

One important thing I do know: When the timing is right everything will fall into place. The first year I tried to do got in the way. And I quit on Day 2. The second time? everything worked out and I finished! (Now, of course, I'm facing a seemingly endless rewrite!) The same thing happened to me illustrating that book...when the time was right everything came together.

I also believe with all my heart that a loving heavenly father sees and honors every sacrifice we make as mothers, and compensates, albeit on his terms and timeframe, without exception.

I completely see you doing all these things -- the novel, the painting, the schooling -- all of it, but maybe not this month, or even this year. When the time is right.

Love you!

Shannon said...

I love you my friend. :) I owe you a catch up note.. Soon! Love, your fellow no sleep mama.