Mornings like this I can't let myself get sentimental. Not going to think about what all this means. Not going to wonder if I've done everything right these first almost six years, not going to berate myself because I haven't.
Six years ago right now I finished sewing her baby blanket, and in my same sloppy manner last night I stitched her a little pocket heart from the same leftover material. It's supposed to look like this but it doesn't. Kind of like the mother I have tried to be, but always seem to come out sloppier and more frayed than I would like. The loving intention is the same.
To be honest my heart is not settled, I will not breathe a sigh of relief when I drop her off at kindergarten today but rather a breath-held pause of "we'll see." To be honest a little part of me may be relieved if there happens to be some honest reason why we should keep her home for school.
But there is this new thing budding in her, colors I've not seen before; a startling new confidence grown over the summer. I sense it reaching out in new directions, peeking around and over us to get a better view. She is so happy. I am absorbing her confidence for now. We'll see.