Thursday, January 10, 2013

My word for the year this year is two: pay attention and I'm not quite sure yet what that means or how it will change me except that it seemed to sum up all of the other many words and goals I'd considered for this year.

I considered choosing the word Give, because I want to be more aware of what good I can do, but I realize that is simply about paying attention. I considered the word Whole, wanting to pursue health in body soul and spirit for myself and those around me, which means listening to my body and heart. And I want to learn to play the piano, and read more poetry and I want to write this year, which is just another word for paying attention. 

I don't know yet what I am hoping to find, by paying attention, or where to start or even how to pay more attention than I already do. 

When we moved to Cleveland two years ago we moved into an old house with many closets. In fact two closets in this house are completely empty (having much more to do with the number of closets than my minimalist achievements but still, isn't there some kind of door prize I could win for this?).  These many closets are Narnia to the children, every time kids come to our house to play they all dash upstairs to hide in the closets and come down wearing my shoes. 

Today the closets are an animal rescue shelter and a secret hideout and a small house.

I want to be like my kids who look for empty places and create worlds in them. I want to be like Josie who wears a fairy dress every day because living is holy, and calls us beautifulness and holds my hand while she eats dinner and does a huzzah dance after she goes on the potty. And like my kids who sob and cling and cannot give up or let go because living is that important. 

By paying attention I mean to pay attention not only to the beauty but the weight of it, too, the emptiness and mess, the longing and hurt and spaces that groan for redemption. And isn't there a certain beauty even here?

And I want to pray more this year, and to seek the Kingdom of God and to know God, but in all of these years of trying to do that I find it is simply to pay attention, because he is already here, behind and before, God with us. Epiphany.

I guess I don't know any more than that, what the year will hold but I don't think that I have any more goals than this; to look and listen, to make art, and to take good notes.