Monday, April 15, 2013

as He leads

Then go as He leads. Go with all your heart. Makings and cultivatings of a thousand sorts are waiting. There are sick to tend. Meals to stir together. Songs to sing. Bridges to build. Accounts to balance. Hungry to feed. Feet to wash. Deaths to die. Souls to woo. Books to be written. There are Sabbath rests to take, and fields to walk, and silent prayers to pray that seem to accomplish nothing at all, but accomplish everything instead. Yield. Yield. Yield to Jesus in you.The Creator flows in You, alive and rushing. 

The hardest part of being a stay at home mom and attempting to keep some career plates spinning is the constant sense of torn. I am always a little bit unsure, moment to moment, of the particular calling I should be giving myself to, when they all are calling me at once. 

Lately I have been considering that my own calling in this season may not be to anything quantifiable.

Maybe I am not called to a specific goal. Maybe my calling is only as far as I hear Him lead, moment by moment; nothing more. And that requires trust and quiet and a certain yielding to the ambiguity. 

Maybe today I am called to notice the way the light slants, at three in the afternoon, and to watch as it breaks apart at the end of the day. Is anyone doing this?

Maybe I am called simply to pay attention.

Maybe it will only always be a long obedience, a patient prayerfulness, and no more. 

Maybe at this place in my journey there is no path and hardly any fences, only a wide open field . .. a field ripe with many good things to cultivate, beauty waiting to be recognized and poetry waiting to blossom and people to love and meals to stir and songs to sing and small people to hold and it's all good and it's all an acceptable sacrifice.

The hard part will always be the sense of wondering if I am doing it right- am I spending my time and energy in the right ways, to the right things, am I completing the work He has called me to do? The answer to that will only come by listening, abiding.

I pray a lot for the Spirit to fill me, and finally I need to understand that he Has. And if the Creator flows in me, then I am free to create- vulnerably, honestly, heartily- as unto the Lord, and not men.

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