Tuesday, April 2, 2013

hard turning

I failed at Easter this year. The whole thing, beginning with Ash Wednesday all the way through Lent and then Holy Week when I all of my lovely plans for symbolic and meaningful ended in the time it took a child to throw up on me. Of course when I say I failed I mean me, myself, my own plans and expectations, I didn't fail Jesus, it's not even possible, that's the point and this is what I remind myself all of Lent and Holy Week and today, Easter Tuesday.

Lent this year was a slow unraveling and my only fast was to fall down, literally, to lie on the floor, daily, more, if the sun shone, to plant my face in it. I learned to put my back to the sky and say nothing and Jesus met me there, he did, don't let me ever forget it, God spoke, He speaks, it sounds so cliche but it's true, seek and you shall find, I was astonished by it again, in the middle of a grey afternoon, in the middle of kids and noise, by the mouth of babes and if he never speaks again to me I have this, and the sunshine.

I wake up and ask myself how is today different, this new life I am given to walk, how am I new today because I don't feel new, I feel hard and brittle and all I can think of is green grass, hard earth, all I can do is lie down, all I can do is press my face again to the sunshine and believe, the heart's hard turning, the heart's slow learning* . . .the sun shines and frozen earth turns, again, I offer up, again, to the light to the slow turning to the softest shoots of green.

*Annie Dillard