Remove your chicken from the freezer and dump it in the crockpot or the last place you ran from.
Add a can of beer, cheap, or a glass of dry wine or coffee or whatever your grown-up self prefers.
Now for the seasonings:
1/2 tsp garlic
1/2 tsp grit
1/2/ tsp oregano
1/2 tsp fool
1/2 tsp paprika
1/2/ tsp prayer and regret and
1/2 tsp belief in impossible things
salt and pepper to taste (do not let this trip you up again, the taste is your own)
Now set to low, put the lid on and go
vacuum the rug
clean out your closets
take a walk- it's working, really, you don't need to check.
In about five hours, or seven years, or on a day in April when anything seems possible (you will know when) it will be cooked, your chicken. Shred and serve.