Wednesday, August 20, 2014

know your why

"When you come to a place where you have to go right or left," says Sister Ruth, "go straight ahead."
-from Dakota, A Spiritual Geography by Kathleen Norris

It was our summer of rest. All summer, we didn't hurry. Truly, I can't think of one time.

A few years ago Sam was asked to describe each member in her family; Mom, she said, was "always in a hurry." Slowly, maybe, I am learning.

I've spent so much time addicted to hurry, creating hurry. I didn't know I needed rest, I didn't set out to create rest this summer, with some expectation of what rest should be. Rest simply came upon us, like a new season, and we lived in the season and let it be what it was.

Rest is uneasy, at first. We want to feel useful. I wonder if women struggle with this the most, there are so many ways to think about Mary and Martha and the inimitable Proverbs 31 woman.  What is it about obsessive busyness which makes us feel validated and worthy- of what?

Know your Why

This was the thought that started the summer, and I've followed it til the end so that here at the end of August I think I know some of my whys.

For example,

I am choosing to homeschool my kids because I believe I can give them a good education, and because I want to be the one to read the good books to my kids, this is why.

I choose not to work for now because I've decided my role is peacemaker, that every family needs one or at least this family does, and it is what I am called to for now, to create peace for the five of us and wherever else that peace can extend.

I am writing a novel because I believe there is a story to tell.

The one why I keep searching for and can't seem to find is why blog, what am I trying to say here, is it really necessary? And I have to tell you that I am dwindling on this one, that while I enjoy blogging I am often conflicted between wanting to write on the blog versus all of the other three: peacemaking. homeschooling. a novel.

I'm not sure where to go, I keep coming to the edge of shutting down and then backing away. I have been here for six years.

Instagram feels a little like blogging, but it's faster and maybe I need to just be there.

Maybe I will stick around this place, once I find my why.

Good things came out of rest this summer, good, productive things and nourishing, lovely things, and mostly just a sense of knowing where I am, who I am.

We began the summer learning about bees. Busy as a bee, we say, and yet isn't the work of a bee simply this: to be wholly attentive; to dive headlong into beauty and drink its sweetness and come up coated in it, unaware of the life-dust trailing from their feet.

There is some clue here of a good way to live.


charrette said...

One of the last things my mother ever said to me was, "When you're a mother, you need to slow down." Such wise words, so difficult to heed.

And I want to memorize your last sentence: "to dive headlong into beauty and drink its sweetness and come up coated in it, unaware of the life-dust trailing from their feet."

Yes! please keep doing all that you're doing.

Corinne Cunningham said...

I completely understand... Instagram fits so many of the needs that blogging used to fill, that I sometimes wonder if a blog is necessary. I don't know.
But know your why, I love that. I'll keep reminding myself. Maybe I'll post that somewhere in my kitchen to see daily!

Anna said...

No! Come back! One of the whys for your blog is that it is inspiring for those who read it!