Thursday, February 12, 2015

why and why not

Every so often, well, all the time, I will think of something I might like to blog about, which is instantly ferociously attacked by all of the voices in my head; the silliness of having a blog, the self-indulgent nature of blogging, the endless unnecessary internet chatter, the need for silence and stillness and privacy, the waste of time, the fact that there are millions of mom blogs millions of times better than mine . . .

Tell me all of the reasons why blogging is dumb, I will tell you more.

I don't expect anyone to read this space, though if you do Thank You.

Why do I blog? {I ask myself}. Because it's one small place in the world with my name on it, which I do for no reason other than a creative outlet; my own. I don't want to build readership or buy an expensive camera or learn coding. I just want to sit down every now and then and play with words, and think about my life or what I am reading or learning.

And because, Why Not?

Why Not? might mean more than we think. Why send the card or bake your bread or write a poem? Why not? Why eat an apple? Why linger over dinner? Why tell jokes? Why have conversations with children?

Maybe Why Not is infinitely important. Maybe Why Not is our holiest work.

There is a person who will do everything that is expected, nothing more. A card right on time, but just a signature. No I love you, no I'm thankful for you. There is no phone call, no I'm thinking of you, how are you? No extra anything at all. All of the Whys are covered, but there is never a Why Not. Funny how this feels like rejection.

We are listening to the Chronicles of Narnia on audio in the evenings and oh how my soul needs the fairy tale. I am desperate to remember the magic. It is what drew me to Christ- delight. Not because at seven years old I understood theology- but because the people who seemed to know him best, had eyes that sparkled. Because I heard a distant song.

Lord, do not let me rob my children of the fairy tale, in my efforts to teach them about you.

I have been in churches where there is no fairy tale. The legend has been lost. It is replaced with information; how and why and therefore. There is music but no one is dancing. A card with no note.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace . . . against such there is no law. There is no law for such things either, I think? There is no law that one enjoy life. No law for play. No law that food be delicious. No law for affection, no law for beauty, no law for belly laughs, no law for eyes to meet.

I am guilty of living only in the Whys. Especially in this season of life, when there is so little margin. Only if it saves time or money, only if there is an achievable goal, only if it fits into my schedule. I can't answer the phone right now, can't send the card because it requires going to the post office for stamps, can't eat the chocolate cake because, you know, this diet.

I have missed important things, living by the whys.

So I will keep blogging, imperfectly. And I will keep trying to write a novel, slowly, and make art, joyfully. I will do my best to spoil my people, lavishly. I will try to waste more time. And I will be too transparent and too vulnerable and make a lifetime of mistakes, and feel too much, and believe impossible things. I will be slightly wary of Why? and wholeheartedly Why Not?


Anna Phillips said...

Wow :)
I feel the same way about cards feelings of why did you even bother ( just signing a name) haven't I impacted your life enough to deserve a comment? (I know I'm a card snob)...and the magic. We just watched one of the Narnia movies and Izaak was so upset because they missed so much from the books, def made me smile. I don't like the four walls that why's sometimes create...thanks for sharing

misha said...

I love this line so much: "There is no law that one enjoy life. No law for play. No law that food be delicious. No law for affection, no law for beauty, no law for belly laughs, no law for eyes to meet." And I couldn't agree more!

Anna said...

yes yes yes to all of this! so good to read.